We have arrived... in Valley Village. Our first recap for the new Vanderpump spinoff THE VALLEY is here, and fortunately, it's damn good. It has everything. Bleakness. Vertical blind apartments. Heat waves and little tree shade. Emotional stagnancy. Low to non-existent impulse control. And that's just Doute. From what are you doing with these people?! you're sane and lolers energy of Janet and Jason, to the you're too sensitive and wholesome to be on a show like this vibe of Daniel and Nia, to the your marriage's days are already numbered future of Michelle and Jesse to the glorious honky tonk Hetero Hell of Jax and Brittany, and the haunting trajectory of Kristen and her new Colorado man/potential baby daddy Luke, it's one big hurricane. Plus, two potential stars in Gay Zack and SUR Jasmine. Our new crew assembles at Jax and Brittany's for a county fair theme birthday party for a very pregnant Janet, and corn dogs are eaten, shots are ripped, nipples are squeezed, bathing suits are dropped, and tears flow steadily.

We are so back.

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