‘No focking way. I’m not breaking into the dude’s office’

The old man has a Cohiba the size of a Wavin pipe wedged between his teeth and I end up having to open the window so I don’t die of smoke inhalation.


“The fock are we even doing here?” I go.


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More from Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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  2. 06:17‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’Apr 12, 2024
  3. 06:02‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’Apr 08, 2024
  4. 06:23‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’Mar 29, 2024
  5. 05:43‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’Mar 22, 2024
  6. 05:54Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles HeaslipMar 15, 2024
  7. 05:52‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’Mar 08, 2024
  8. 05:45‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’Mar 01, 2024
  9. 06:15Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved oneFeb 23, 2024
  10. 06:15Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’Feb 16, 2024