Giles Coren Has No Idea

Artist Jonathan Yeo has painted luminaries such as Tony Blair, David Cameron and most recently the King. He has also painted Giles (twice) and Esther’s sister. As old friends of Jonathan, Giles and Esther are well placed to guide the philistines of Instagram through his artistic talents.Chancellor Jeremy Hunt is seeking to reassure the nation that all is well in the UK. Unfortunately, his lacklustre writing style is the least of his problems; he has an 800 year old tax rebate and a batty flautist to sort out first.  A new carrot and carrot approach to the obesity crisis is showing positive results. Are incentives the way forward to change behaviours…? How much to make people pronounce semaglutide correctly…?Finally, Giles gets in touch with his feminine side in the swimming pool, once he has buried his acorns…

The Garrick Club is finally opening its doors to women, well some women. Whilst not a member, as a regular frequenter of the Garrick Giles lets daylight in upon magic and reveals the earth-shattering secrets of the gentleman’s club. Esther wonders why on earth anyone would bother. A grassroots Muslim campaign group emboldens Giles and Esther to offer their own list of demands to potential PM Keir Starmer. Brexit makes an unwelcome return as the fall guy for a bad opening night. Esther has sympathy but Giles smells a Gallic rat.Finally, Esther stumbles upon the unforeseen consequences of automatic only driving tests…doom in a post-apocalyptic world. But does it make her sad...?

The pressing question this week is: If a T-Rex played Taylor Swift at chess who would win? An octopus has offered to referee, but only if it is paid in food stamps. ‘An expert’ has suggested that the T’Rex may have been a little dim…so Giles wonders what or who constitutes dim in the 21st century...?Could the demise of Humza Yousaf be down to the Scottish Nationalists losing the culture wars…when asked for their opinion the great Scottish public replied “Get te f**k!” It turns out that it is not only opinionated columnists who need the culture wars, the Tory party do too, and possibly the Daily Mail. Bland, over processed and will do you no good – Taylor Swift or supermarket bread? The bread of course, but some, may have reached Taylor Swift saturation point. 

Could the culture wars finally be drawing to a close? If they are what will Giles talk about in future; certainly not ancient antiquities, his knowledge is lacking in that sphere. How to spice up one’s autobiography, some celeb gossip here, a royal orgy there…let’s ask Rebel Wilson she is bound to have a few more ideas.Age is but a number, which may just be seventeen thousand. That’s what John Cleese is paying for stem cell therapy. But why worry, what of the crows of the air, they do not sow or reap…perhaps because they are to preoccupied with the ‘Tokyo crow controller’…Lastly, what makes a good friendship…Giles doesn’t care he’s too busy picking up crisp packets. 

Warning flag: this episode contains sensitive content.Fresh from the Easter recess Giles and Esther have a cunning plan to lure in new listeners, they’re flying the flag for air fryers. Keen to be welcoming of all cooking methods they undertake some thorough research which includes never using, trying or knowing anything about air fryers, before coming to a categoric conclusion on the latest kitchen gadget… They take a look at the most expensive streets to live in the UK - none of which have flags in the  front garden - and compare them to their own ends.Saving the best till last Giles and Esther try to identify the twenty-one sexuality and gender flags on display at a hospital reception in the midlands. Giles can’t find his flag, and he is worried about members of the Royal Navy. Finally, he stumbles upon an idea which he sends up his flagpole to see if it gets a salute… 

Britain was made great by arseholes; MP’s thinking about porn and national stereotypes. It’s a very slow news week. Lacking stimulation Giles and Esther turn to pornography and the MP’s who are worrying about its effect on sex education. Inspired, Giles decides he can write a piece in praise of ‘the arsehole’ – they have a game of “good arsehole, bad arsehole” and speculate on the nature of Sacha Baron Cohen’s arsehole-ness.  Fully expecting to face justice for their crimes against good taste Giles and Esther consider the potential end to the trial by jury system. In its place…trail by ordeal. Their punishment; to spend eternity gazing at an awful sculpture of a moustachioed plumber. Finally, an Italian, an Aussie and a Swede walk into a sauna...

The new Bond, MP’s presenting TV programmes, Giles is a Gorilla and Ewan McGregor’s…acting skills.Giles is very excited by the latest actor being linked with the role of James Bond, he feels sure he has some useful tips for the scrip writers – a Volvo car, a fussy mother, and some anti-allergy pillows.Elsewhere, what would the BBC advertise if they could… waterproof pants or Stormzy’s latest album? Giles is preoccupied with the effect gravity is having on Ewan McGregor’s acting career. And Esther and Giles believe in the benefits of fasting, they have a gut feeling it’s a good thing. Sadly, recent research may disagree, they turn to Love Island contestant Auto Phagya for help.

Giles has gone down the RAC rabbit hole, and to his delight it is providing him with an endless stream of evidence proving that he is, surprise surprise… an excellent driver. Not content with that he decides to quiz Esther on some of the most common driving myths, thus proving that she is not an excellent driver. You be the judge as to the veracity of his conclusions.In a column that writes itself the ONS’s inflation basket gets a makeover for centrist dads, boomers, and millennials. Finally, Esther nails her colours to the mast – what is the point of university..?** Mansfield College does in fact have college status, granted in 1995. 

Peter Mandelson thinks Keir Starmer "needs to shed a few pounds". And Giles, always the friendly neighbour, thinks he can help his local MP look his dashing best on camera. What should he wear, where should he stand, and who should he stand next to? You're welcome Sir Keir - a future invite to Chequers is surely inevitable... Plus, it's International Women's Day. So what better way to celebrate than writing about what International Men's Day would look like? And while in the safe confines of podcast land, Giles asks Esther about whether she's scared of the menopause.